Author Topic: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)  (Read 128922 times)

sir sky

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #120 on: June 06, 2009, 03:24:40 AM »
A buddhist is working in Mcdonalds adn a customer comes and orders a burger that costs 15 and pays with a 20 $ note the man then asks the buddhist if he will get his change and the buddhist says "change must come from within. HE subsequently gets fired.

One day he goes back to Mcdonalds and says "make me one of everything"

Send me a message if you don't get any of these

Froggie Legs

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #121 on: June 06, 2009, 08:54:33 AM »
A buddhist is working in Mcdonalds adn a customer comes and orders a burger that costs 15 and pays with a 20 $ note the man then asks the buddhist if he will get his change and the buddhist says "change must come from within. HE subsequently gets fired.

One day he goes back to Mcdonalds and says "make me one of everything"

Send me a message if you don't get any of these

I think that is supposed to be "Make me one with everything"  ;)

"As Thomas Jefferson understood,..."Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have." Senator Jim DeMint

sir sky

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #122 on: June 07, 2009, 10:39:30 AM »
well yes but not in teh case of the joke but yeah that was what it mean't but if you were infront of a cashier thats not what you would say what would it.

Froggie Legs

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sadly, this is no joke...
« Reply #123 on: June 29, 2009, 04:24:15 PM »


sadly, this is no joke...

"As Thomas Jefferson understood,..."Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have." Senator Jim DeMint

sex_factory

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Re: sadly, this is no joke...
« Reply #124 on: June 29, 2009, 08:32:12 PM »

sadly, this is no joke...

Yeah, but we make more money, so it evens out.

King Beanface

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #125 on: June 30, 2009, 04:10:50 AM »
ROFL! This is why I miss you, SF!
ZapRowsdower: You'll know next time, Beanface, always use protection when dealing with Pacone

Froggie Legs

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #126 on: August 15, 2009, 03:29:17 PM »
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


 I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE

SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1975.. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN,

THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSE,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

JERK ASKED,



'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???
« Last Edit: August 15, 2009, 03:30:52 PM by Froggie Legs »

"As Thomas Jefferson understood,..."Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have." Senator Jim DeMint

Froggie Legs

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #127 on: October 01, 2009, 10:49:08 AM »
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car... Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

 

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"


"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone... My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

 

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.




After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


 

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


 
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


 

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


 

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


 


 




 


 

"Master, Master! .....



 



 



 



 



 

 The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 




 

(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)



"As Thomas Jefferson understood,..."Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have." Senator Jim DeMint

Mandoline

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Just started learning German
« Reply #128 on: November 05, 2009, 02:38:22 AM »
German for the beginners
As most of you know German is pretty easy. The person who knows a bit of latin and tenses is used to koniugazion, and memorizes it without any problems. This is, after all, what claim most of the teachers after the very first lesson. Then all the der, des, den,dem, die, starts and we hear that everything is logical so.. it's easy.
At the beginning we buy a beautiful class book, like those printed in Dortmund and tells us about customs of Hottentotten tribe. The book says that cangaroos (Beutelratten) are chased and kept in cages (Koffer) with plait (Lattengitter) to keep an eye on them. The gases are called "cages from a plait" (Lattengitterkoffer) and if it contains a kangaroo it is called Beutelrattenlattengitterkoffer.

Once upon a time, Hottentotten stop a killer Attentater, who is thought to be a killer of his mother Mutter from hottentotten (Hottentottenmutter), a mother of a fool (Stottertrottel. This mother in German is called: HottentottenStottertrottelMutter and her killer is called HottentottenStottertrottelMutterAttentater.

The police catches the killer and puts him in a kangaroo cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkoffer), but he escapes. So the searching starts. The knight from the tribe runs up to the leader and says:
- I caught the killer! (Attentatter)
- Yes? Which one? - the leader asks.
-BeutelrattenlattengitterkofferAttentatter - replies the knight.
-What?! The killer who is in a cage for cangaroos from the plait?
-Yes sir. the HottentottenStottertrottelMutterAttentater (killer of a hottentoten mother of a foolish son).
-Ahhh yes, of course, naturlich! you should say it at the beginning that you caught HottentottenStottertrottelMutterBeutelrattenlatten gitterkofferAttentatter

Mandoline

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Getting English as Universal Language (TM) - good job done by ze Germans
« Reply #129 on: November 05, 2009, 02:39:36 AM »
It was discussed during the early stage that English will be replacing German as the official language of the European Union (EU). As part of the implementation, English will have to undergo a 5-years phase of evolution into EuroEnglish. Certain spellings will have to be improved to suit everyone.

1ST YEAR: “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants happy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favor of “k”. This should klear up konfusion and the keyboard kan have one less letter.

2ND YEAR: There will be a growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year. ”ph” will now be replased with the “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

3RD YEAR: Publik akseptanse of the new speling kan b expekted to reach the stag wher mor komplikated shanges are posible. Governement wil encourag the removal of doubl leters, whish hav ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of sertain silent “e” at the end of a word should b removd.

4TH YEAR: Peopl wil b reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” wiz “z”, “w” wiz “v” and “y”wif “i”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan b dropd from vords containing “ou”. And similar shanges vuld of kors b aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

5TH YEAR: After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl writen stil. Zer vil b no mor trobls or difikulties and everion vil find it eazi to understand each ozer.

Zis dream vil finali kom tru. Lik it? Zis English sur roks! Wait! I fel zat I hav ben using zis English in IM all ze tim. Zey hav implementd it so fast?

Captain_Sensible

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #130 on: December 05, 2009, 01:10:23 PM »
A woman goes to claim some additional public benefit to support her children.

"How many children have you got?" asked the official.
"Ten."
"Right...what are their names?"
"Well, there's Wayne, Wayne and Wayne, then Wayne, followed by Wayne, then Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne and baby Wayne."
"Isn't that a little confusing?"
"No - it saves a lot of time.  I just have to shout 'Wayne - time to get up!' and they all know what to do."
"What do you do if you want to talk to just one of them?"
"Oh that's easy - I just use their surnames."
without the Sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes.

Lambast me for a lungfish if it ain't Cap'n Sensible, old salty sea-dog!  Arrrh!

Ihsor Retsam

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #131 on: December 24, 2009, 10:33:54 PM »
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


Be the Ultimate Ninja! Play Billy Vs. SNAKEMAN today!

Froggie Legs

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #132 on: January 10, 2010, 10:32:25 PM »


Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway west of Little Rock.
But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming
rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens
were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
 
So one day Farmer John called the local police station and said,
"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."
 


"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Main Road’s Workers
go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
 

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So, again, the policeman sends out the Main Roads workers’ 
and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
 



 That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and
called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the policeman, "Your signs are doing no
good.. can I put up my own sign?"


The policeman told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.."
He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything
in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
 

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman
and he decided to give Farmer John a call .. “ How’s the
problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"


"Oh, I sure did,” replied Farmer John, ”and not one chicken
has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy.."
He hung up the phone.


The policeman was really curious now and he thought to himself,
"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign … it might
be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
 
So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped
the moment he saw the sign.


It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....






NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!



 
 
 
Keep Smiling............

"As Thomas Jefferson understood,..."Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have." Senator Jim DeMint

King Beanface

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #133 on: January 13, 2010, 11:37:39 AM »
Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when his teacher says, "Whoever answers these questions correctly can have a half day - you can leave school early and will not be given any homework."

Little Johnny thinks "Ohhhh that's for me! I'm gonna have a half day!"

Teacher asks: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'"

Before teacher has even finished asking the question, Little Mary has shot up out of her seat with her hand in the air!

"It was John F. Kennedy, miss!"

And that was that, teacher sent Little Mary home early with no homework.

Little Johnny, meanwhile, mutters "Should've been mine! I'll get the next one..."

Teacher looks at Johnny and asks, "What did you say?"

"Nothing miss..."

Next, teacher asks: "Who said 'I have a dream...?'"

Now, Little Katie shoots out of her seat and shouts "Martin Luther King, miss!"

And that was that, teacher sent Little Katie home early with no homework.

A few minutes later, teacher is writing on the blackboard. Now, Little Johnny is really ticked off at missing his opportunity for a half day! He mutters quite loudly, "I wish those stupid women would've just learned to just shut their mouths!"

Teacher turns around, slams her hand down on the desk and demands, "Who said that!?"

Little Johnny, without missing a beat says, "Tiger Woods, miss. See you tomorrow!"
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Froggie Legs

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #134 on: January 14, 2010, 07:05:29 AM »
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit! 9 iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit! 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?" The frog replies, "Ribbit! Lucky frog."
 
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit! 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 woodand Boom! Hole in One. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best gameof golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."
 
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "Whatdo you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit! $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what theheck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit! Kiss Me." He figures why not, since, after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
 
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin, So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods"

"As Thomas Jefferson understood,..."Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have." Senator Jim DeMint