Author Topic: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)  (Read 203814 times)

Neyinka

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #90 on: July 28, 2008, 10:49:08 PM »
Nice Canakun! I got a good chuckle out of that one.  ;D


A bear walks into a bar and says, "I want a bourbon and............... coke"

The bartender asks "what's with the huge pause?"

The bear says, "I've had them all my life."
A Pirate once drove in a carrr.
But wasn't able to get very farrr.
His sea legs were cramped,
He said, "Should've Camped
On me boat, where I'm comfortable! ARRRR!"

RaidiN

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #91 on: July 29, 2008, 02:30:40 AM »
    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
    dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
    dollars for dinner.

    I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
    this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

   'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

    'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

    'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need
    to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

    'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

    'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair
    done in 20 years!'

    'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
    going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

    The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
    you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
    disgusting.'

    I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
    like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


--Horrible but Funny

“There is only one way to succeed in anything, and that is to give everything.”

pacone

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #92 on: July 29, 2008, 03:37:34 AM »
If I ever meet any of you in RL, remind me to tell you the joke about the elephant and the rabbit AND the one about the elephant and the monkey  ;D
All your l00t are belong to us.

alinaire

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #93 on: July 29, 2008, 07:32:51 AM »
ooh wow...those were fuuneh!

JesusReincarnated

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #94 on: July 29, 2008, 08:20:20 AM »
Ok, I've got one, but it's one of those cheesy pick-up lines.  ::)

Guy: Hey, miss, are you a Pokemon?

Girl: Yeah, why?

Guy: Cause I choose you.

cheesy

Sir Francis

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #95 on: July 29, 2008, 12:21:45 PM »
If I ever meet any of you in RL, remind me to tell you the joke about the elephant and the rabbit AND the one about the elephant and the monkey  ;D

video-tape yourself telling them and post them on youtube?

Neyinka

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #96 on: July 29, 2008, 07:35:03 PM »
Two baby seals walk into a club.


 ;D
A Pirate once drove in a carrr.
But wasn't able to get very farrr.
His sea legs were cramped,
He said, "Should've Camped
On me boat, where I'm comfortable! ARRRR!"

Sir Francis

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #97 on: August 06, 2008, 02:43:46 PM »
John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten
roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.  Clearly
old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on
the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

Neyinka

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #98 on: August 06, 2008, 08:02:02 PM »
Never Argue with a Woman who reads!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .
A Pirate once drove in a carrr.
But wasn't able to get very farrr.
His sea legs were cramped,
He said, "Should've Camped
On me boat, where I'm comfortable! ARRRR!"

Sir Francis

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #99 on: August 14, 2008, 08:48:38 PM »
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.  His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.  His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'   She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


An Affair
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.  One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.  'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bast***s.....'

Sir Francis

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The Bathing Suit
« Reply #100 on: September 23, 2008, 08:37:34 PM »

The Bathing Suit

When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure
was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!


Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.


As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.


I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece which gave the appearance of an over sized napkin in a serving ring.


I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.


I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.


I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.


Finally, I found a suit that fit. a two-piece affair with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.


It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in water.'


So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too I'll be the one in cut off jeans and a t-shirt!


You'd better be laughing by this time... (If not, you probably never had to squeeze into anything!)


'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'

scottsaxman

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #101 on: September 25, 2008, 03:10:06 PM »


It's no joke, but might make you pee your pants all the same.


Sir Francis

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NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
« Reply #102 on: October 04, 2008, 10:40:56 PM »
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Sir Francis

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Love and marriage... and a woman is always.. :)
« Reply #103 on: October 13, 2008, 05:41:33 PM »
David Bissonette -When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Guitry-After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas-The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud -I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous-'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

-Sam Kinison'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

-James Holt McGavran 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

-Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


-NashThe most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

-Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

-Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

-Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

-Anonymous A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

-Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Captain_Sensible

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Re: Jokes that'll make you pee your pants :)
« Reply #104 on: January 28, 2009, 08:23:05 AM »
A mafia penguin walks into a bar.  "Hey," he says to the barman, "you seen my brother?"  "No" says the barman "what does he look like?"

----ooooOOOOoooo----

A bear walks into a bar.  She says "I'll have a beer and....................................................................................a packet of peanuts."

The barman says "Why the big pause?"

"I was born with them."
« Last Edit: January 28, 2009, 08:25:09 AM by Captain_Sensible »
without the Sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes.

Lambast me for a lungfish if it ain't Cap'n Sensible, old salty sea-dog!  Arrrh!